When It Comes to Conflict We Are United

May 02, 2017 0 Comments A+ a-

When It Comes to Conflict We Are United

Why we must invest in conflict resolution skills now.

Footage Firm, Inc.
Source: Footage Firm, Inc.
 
The United Airlines conflict is just the latest in a series of events that reveal the cultural norm of “throwing hands” when you haven’t got the skills to produce the desired results. Let’s not kid ourselves, the skills required in most of these situations have not been committed to or supported financially by any of the major institutions of this country.

Much lip service is given to “treating people with respect," “flying the friendly skies," “no child left behind," “the customer is always right," “you matter,” and on and on. The truth is, without the skills to back these up, people go to their default response to conflict: force. When conflict happens, the fight or flight response in the body is activated. This response is commonly talked about these days. This biochemical reaction which involves the body’s sympathetic nervous system, hormones being released that speed up the heart rate, increase blood pressure, breathing and gives us the ability and extra energy to fight or flee.
The conversation that is not being had as much is the reporting by The American Psychological Association’s recent stress survey that this response which was meant to protect us in dangerous situations is now going off in less than life-threatening scenarios. Everyday conflicts are now registering as dangerous to our lives.


But here’s the thing that really so few of us are willing to look at. The majority of society is not in any way prepared to handle conflicts effectively. To do that would mean that we would have to consider more than the fact that conflicts involve disagreement on point of view and solution. To truly be prepared for handling conflict in a way that has a chance of getting to resolution means we must be brave enough to break culture and talk about the uncomfortable.
The lens through which we view conflict is multi-faceted and complex. Race, class, religion, sexual orientation, gender, mental and physical ability and size all play a role in conflict. You can believe it or not, but none of us come to conflict clean. We are affected by the culture that we live in that teaches powerful messages about each of as groups and individuals and those messages influence us when we are faced with conflict.

These messages both inform and impair us. It is only when real work is done to investigate and get to the root of our reactions paired with a well-stocked toolkit of conflict resolution skills and techniques that we can take on conflict without resorting to the default cultural method of putting our hands on another person.
All of our institutions are being challenged by this deficit-producing way of “handling” conflict. Reaction rather than response is the applauded norm. Why? Because it takes a tremendous amount of patience, pause and persistence to engage in conflicts courageously and effectively.
Working to resolve conflict involves knowing your triggers, what sets you off and why,

how you view the person in front of you and the value you place on their right to have an opinion that differs from yours and the expression of that opinion in a very different manner than you may be comfortable with. Are they breaking your cultural construct of what respect looks and feels like to you? Can a child “talk back” to an adult? Can a woman question a male authority figure? Are larger bodies “allowed” to take up so much space in your view? Are black and brown bodies and voices more threatening? Is authority to be obeyed at any cost? All cultural messages that are present in conflict and yet seldom taken in to consideration when one is in conflict.
If we are going to see less force and more skilled negotiation and courageous conversation, it will take a real investment. Less slogan reciting and more conflict resolution training that includes gaining cultural competence and starting at the top. Our nation’s children are following our lead. If they are using force, it is because we are teaching it by our actions and inability to access a skilled response to another human being's verbal opposition to our point of view.
If businesses want better customer relationships resulting in higher sales, then CEOs must invest money in learning better conflict resolution skills. If schools want to leave no child behind then superintendents and administrators must be the first ones to spend time in trainings that teach them how to be skilled conflict resolvers. And the same must be said of government, parents, high ranking police and corrections officers, health administrators and everyone else that is responsible for modeling the behavior that they want from those they are responsible for.
It’s not only the skies that are unfriendly but down here on the ground, it’s pretty unsafe as well. We have the power to change that, but do we have the honest desire?