In our last post, we talked about how the mild shame that helps us learn social rules can get twisted into toxic shame when children are punished.
Of course, ALL children will at times feel, want or need something and express it in socially unacceptable ways. So today, let's talk about how we can guide children toward appropriate behavior to get their needs met, without shaming them.
Let's start by experiencing mild shame. Try this:

Say YES aloud several times.
What do you feel? I smile and feel excited, happy.

Now say NO aloud several times.
What do you feel? My smile dies. My body feels tight, closed in. I feel a sense of dread. Some people (usually those whose parents were punitive) also feel anger.
That's mild shame, which is nature's way of helping us rein in our impulses so we can stay safe, live well with others, and even attain our goals. Dan Siegel calls it the prefrontal cortex clutch, because it allows us to shift from something we want, to something we want more -- for instance, not to disappoint our parent, or not to be stared at in church because we're making inappropriate noise. All kids need to develop that clutch, so they can self-regulate.
How do kids develop this internal clutch to shift gears? It's neural wiring, so it takes repeated experience in the brain. Every time you set an empathic limit that your child decides to follow, you're helping him practice.


"You love climbing! But the TV cabinet's not safe for climbing. Let's go outside where you can climb safely."  What does the child learn? His impulse to climb is fine. Climbing onto the TV cabinet isn't safe. Climbing outside is fine. Mom and Dad can be relied on to guide him, and to help him switch gears. The child turns and climbs into the parent's arms. (This is probably not the first time he's heard this, so it takes great patience from the parent. But sooner or later, he hears their voice in his head as he begins climbing, and he stops. You might think of it as the beginning of conscience, and self-discipline.)


What if, instead, the parent said: "You know better than to climb on that! You naughty boy! Can't you stop giving me trouble for one minute?"  What does he learn? He's naughty, bad, a source of trouble for his parents. The things he wants to do are bad. Exploring is bad, climbing is bad. He should be different, he's not good enough the way he is.
He hears the No. And he feels the mild shame that is the biological result of reining in his impulses. But now that shame is all mixed up with the feeling of being a bad boy who is trouble for his parents. He can't bear that feeling, so he climbs away from them, higher.
Does he WANT to switch gears, to "listen"? Not really. He's already given up on pleasing his parents. Sure, they can haul him off the TV cabinet (and all of us will, since this is a safety issue), but he isn't CHOOSING to follow their lead. So he isn't actually building the neural wiring he needs to switch gears.

Now, his long-suffering mom gives him a timeout, so he'll learn to "listen." As he sits in timeout, does he vow to obey her next time? Not likely. He's overwhelmed with shame. But that feels so unbearable that he will do anything not to feel it. Instead of showing remorse, he lashes out in anger. He blames others. He rebels against that developing voice of conscience in his head. He becomes defiant.
Notice that this shame that manifests as defiance is from both the criticism and the punishment. We can also create shame by ridiculing kids, or by making them feel like something about them isn't good enough.
If these interactions are repeated throughout childhood, the shame can become toxic; the beginning of a fear of being defective that can shadow us through life. We push it down out of awareness, but we still feel it, so we soothe ourselves with over-eating, screen time, overwork. Most adults stumble across this repressed shame occasionally -- usually when we feel embarrassed in public -- and find it at least temporarily disabling.
Of course, we can't let our child climb where it's dangerous. And kids are exuberant and strong-willed; they don't always obey our commands, no matter how hard we try to stay connected. So how can we get them cooperating without creating shame?


1. Resist the urge to ridicule, guilt trip or shame in small ways that seem "harmless." 


Many of the ways we "guide" children are actually designed to provoke shame. That includes any negative judgment about:

• Who the child is: "You'd lose your head if it wasn't glued on!"
• What the child wants: "You just want more, more more! You have a whole room full of toys, isn't that enough for you?"
• What the child feels: "You do not hate your brother; don't say such terrible things!"
• What the child needs: "What? Are you a baby?! Don't you see I have enough to do taking care of your sister?"